Timewasting: AFTN’s Must See Football TV In 2016

Not coming soon to a television screen near you, AFTN brings you another new season of must see football TV. Vancouver’s cable station of the imagination.

The 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 shows went down well, got the ratings and fell on the right side of the bubble watch, but the TV industry is so demanding that we had to come up with a whole new schedule for 2016. Have any of your favourites made it back?

Here’s an exclusive sneak peak of our new weekday evening schedule:

MONDAY

19.00 – 19.30: THE MUPPETS – Documentary series following Seattle’s Emerald City Supporters group.

19.30 – 20.00: TWO BROKE GIRLS – The continuing comedic adventures of Toronto fans Max and Caroline. After selling their cupcakes on the street to cover their TFC betting losses, they now have to sell their bodies after being convinced that with all the money spent, 2015 would finally be Toronto FC’s year. Will they ever learn? And can they raise more than ten bucks a time if they’re wearing their TFC strips?

20.00 – 21.00: EMPIRE – Bobby Lenarduzzi and Carl Valentine join the AFTN crew for more chat about the ‘Caps NASL days at Empire Stadium. This week, those crazy shootouts and other weird and wacky rule changes.

21.00 – 22.00: NCIS LOS ANGELES – The NCIS team face their toughest task yet. Can they find where Steven Gerrard’s talent has gone? Has it sunk without trace? Having looked all at sea in MLS, they’re going to have to dive deep to try and recover it, unaware that it’s lost forever.

22.00 – 00.00: MONDAY MOVIES – THE NOTEBOOK – No romance here in this dramatic re-enactment of real life events from the US Open Cup. Starring a spoiled little brat Charlie Sheen as Clint Dempsey and Stevie Wonder as referee Daniel Radford. Expect tears, tantrums and origami as the Deuce lets rip.

TUESDAY

19.00 – 20.00: HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER – Educational series for MLS clubs analysing LA Galaxy’s magical workings of the league’s salary cap.

20.00 – 21.00: LEGENDS OF TOMORROW – Ongoing documentary series chronicling Vancouver Whitecaps’ Residency program.

21.00 – 22.00: KARMA AND GREG – Comedy in which a bumbling Toronto football manager gets his just desserts as once again it’s shown that spending a shitload of money doesn’t guarantee success in Major League Soccer. Tonight’s episode – “It really is a bitch Greg”.

22.00 – 23.00: CHICAGO FIRED – Comedy-drama about an out of touch, no longer with the times manager called Frank who finally gets found out in the Windy City and heads down to where many other elderly Canadians go out to graze, Arizona.

23.00 – 00.00: THE HEX FILES – Mulder and Scully are called when unexplained phenomena are reported in Vancouver, where not only is a Canadian men’s national team match being played in the city, but Canada also beat Honduras in World Cup qualifying in the said match. Paranormal or alien activities are surely at play. With hopes raised, surely horror is around the corner.

WEDNESDAY

19.00 – 20.00: HOUSE OF CURDS – Depressed by his Seattle soccer team’s futile existence, an overweight football manager puts on his elasticated pants and runs away to Canada on a personal journey to find himself and eat as much poutine as possible. A cheesy comedy.

20.00 – 21.00: SUITS – Mockumentary series about Major League Soccer’s executive. In tonight’s episode there’s panic when there’s no clean napkins left and a new player acquisition rule needs to be written.

21.00 – 22.00: THE MYSTERIES OF MAURO – Tonight, just how does Mauro Rosales get his hair so soft and shiny?

22.00 – 00.00: MIDWEEK MOVIE – DEEP IMPACT – An African footballer’s desire to move back to London leaves a hole in his Montreal team the size of a comet hitting the Earth. A PR disaster movie.

THURSDAY

19.00 – 19.30: KOFFIE OR T? – In our new gameshow, Vancouver Whitecaps players are given five random facts and have to guess whether each one is about Gershon Koffie or Russell Teibert. Hilarity ensues, but who will win this week’s much sought after golden milk carton?

19.30 – 20.00: THE LEFTOVERS – Fly on the wall documentary series telling the sad tales of what happens to the MLS players not selected in the annual Waiver Draft. Tonight’s episode – “Why yes, I would like fries with that”.

20.00 – 21.00: ELEMENTARY – Criminal drama set in New York City. Sherlock and Dr Kendall Waston investigate how the city’s new expansion team can spend a fortune on star players yet fail to make the MLS playoffs and finish the year with the worst defensive record in the league. Spoiler – after taking one look at their defence, the answer proved elementary.

21.00 – 22.00: ASH VILE – Shocking reality. After his previous derogatory remarks made about MLS, washed up has-been Ashley Cole shows how shameless he and the Galaxy both are, as rumours swirl around his potential move to LA.

22.00 – 23.00: SAVING HOPE – Non stop drama in the life of a female goalkeeper. Can anyone help her?

23.00 – 00.00: THE WELSH LATE LATE SHOW – Robert Earnshaw’s talk show. Tonight, the former Welsh international dissects his knack for coming on in the dying minutes and scoring goals. Featuring footage of his late, late winner for Vancouver against Portland throughout the program.

FRIDAY

19.00 – 19.30: THE WEAKEST LINK – Our TFI Friday gameshow hour kicks off with a blast from the past. Tonight, Mo Johnston, John Carver, Chris Cummins, Preki, Nick Dasovic, Aron Winter, Paul Mariner, Ryan Nelsen and Greg Vanney battle it out to see who will be crowned the biggest managerial clusterfuck in Toronto FC history. This one is too close to call and is sure to go down to the wire.

19.30 – 20.00: BARGAIN HUNT – The Whitecaps FO sends Carl Robinson and his blue team to central America with $500 to see what bargains they can find. Remarkably they come back in the allotted one hour with a striker, a midfielder and a bag of balls to swap for Darren Mattocks.

20.00 – 21.00: LAST MAN STANDING – Documentary chronicling the mass exodus of LA Galaxy players this MLS offseason. Will there be anyone left to turn out the lights?

21.00 – 22.00: LENNY DREADFUL – The Steven Lenhart story.

22.00 – 00.00: FRIDAY FILM NIGHT – INGLORIOUS BASTARDS – Biopic set in the world of PRO Referees.