Timewasting: Top Ten Reasons Portland Timbers Already Have Lined Up For Missing Out On The Playoffs

(10) Players didn’t know that ‘expansion team’ didn’t relate to their bellies

(9) Darlington Nagbe kept being distracted by high-pitched sounds that only he could hear

(8) Club modelled themselves on Toronto FC

(7) Timber Joey creeped the players out too much with that cheeky smile

(6) “Futty” Danso became “Fatty” Dunso after too many visits to Burgerville

(5) The Timbers USL players still haunted by the abuse of the Whitecaps fans as they left the pitch at Merlo Field last season

(4) Gavin Wilkinson’s Kiwi training regime left the squad feeling too sheepish

(3) Bright Dike continuously put off his game by having to fend off a confused little Dutch boy who kept trying to stick his finger in him

(2) Didn’t realise that the sponsorship deal with Alaska Airlines meant that Sarah Palin had to pick the team

(1) No matter how hard they try, they’ll just never be as good as the Whitecaps