Time To Crank Up The Old Offensometer

Whenever I read that the Whitecaps or one of our rivals have signed a player my interest is immediately piqued by thinking about what chant we can sing for them or abuse we can aim at them.

When Minnesota Stars came a calling during last season’s NASL opener with Devan Del Do and Two-Boys Gumede, it was like a gift from the footballing gods above as a thank you for all our efforts in the lower leagues of North American football these last few years. It was pure fan gold in the chanting and abuse departments.

Yesterday’s Superdraft has also thrown up a few tasty possibilities.

The apparent snub to Vancouver and Canada by Darlington Nagbe, coupled by him going to Portland instead is this year’s present.

So much abuse will be spout toward little Nagbe and the obvious chant that immediately came to my mind was a version of the Hibernian one that their fans sing to Hearts player Rudi Skacel, made infamous by Hibs’ Derek Riordan singing it in the video below on a night out:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0_S-wzOYOU&fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6]What makes it even better is that Darlington Nagbe’s name has the exact syllables needs for the song to work. Result!

Now there’s going to be some out there who will argue that you can’t blame Nagbe if immigration issues came into play as it could delay him becoming American. I would counter that with why would anyone want to choose to live in the US over Canada? It’s mind boggling and I say that as an immigrant myself.

Others will just be appalled by the whole idea of the song. Even better.

That’s one thing I don’t get with a lot of the North American football culture. It’s too nicey nicey. People are way to frightened to offend people on the whole and then you have the likes of Don Garber wanting a sanitised family friendly “product”.

When someone is appalled that fans are chanting “you suck asshole” at goal kicks then you know you have the wrong guy in charge of your League. I’d love to be sitting beside him then as our “you fat bastard chant” comes across at goalkicks and even more so when our ‘packet of sweets/paedophile’ chant is in full flow. Or our “she likes to suck cocks” one for that matter.

So many fans here in Canada and the US are too hung up on “class”.

After the love-in that has taken place with the Portland Timbers fans in recent seasons, basically due to the fact that we’re not Seattle, the regular word mentioned on the Timbers messageboards was that of class. “The Southsiders showed class”, “what classy fans” etc etc. The same pleasantries were returned on the Southsiders forum.

When some opposing fans have done something offend supporters groups and others come out with it’s a case of them not showing class, not being classy etc.

Since when was being classy part of being a football supporter for fucks sake? Far from it in my long experience. The role of a supporter is to cheer on your team, lift your players, create as intimidating atmosphere as possible, get on the back of the opposition players, abuse the hell out of them with no boundaries, wind up the opposition fans (especially at away games) and be as “unclassy” as possible to anyone who isn’t associated with your team.

Now there is a line between being obnoxious and being an asshole. There’s no place for antisocial behaviour like pissing in the streets and being too drunk to walk and talk at the same time for example. Also you should in no way try to cause criminal damage or instigate violence. That apart, anything goes.

Some delicate souls seem to flip out at the merest abuse of their team as we found out when we went down to Qwest Field for a Seattle Sounders-DC United match, but we soon sent the inbred freak packing with his Deliverance banjo up his arse and a few choice words in his shell.

I don’t care what other supporters group think of us Whitecaps fans. Whether they like or don’t like what we sing and chant. Whether they think we’re arrogant and full of self-importance. And I certainly could give two flying fucks as to whether they think we’re classy or not. What I’d love to see if the Caps fans have the reputation for being the loudest, proudest and most abusive and offensive fans out there to the opposition team and supporters. There’s time for all the pleasantries and drinking with the opposition fans in the pub after the game and that’s what football is all about. No holds barred, non violent hostilities during the game, all smiles and laughs after it. Unless you’re from Montreal of course then you can just get tae fuck.

Thankfully some of the soon to be opposition players and cities will really help us to achieve this. They’re just made for some cracking chants, of various degrees of wittyness and goodness I will admit and of course, they don’t all need to be offensive and vile to upset people! Pointing out some home truths can do that just as well!

Loved DC United taking Perry Kitchen in yesterday’s Superdraft. Gives us the chance to shout at their goalie (Steve Cronin, yes!) “You’ll always find him in Perry Kitchen at parties” to the tune of Jona Lewie’s 1980 hit “You’ll Always Find Him In The Kitchen At Parties”. And poor Fredy Montero and David Beckham. Who knows what we’ll have in store for them when they come back to Vancouver.

Trips to Salt Lake, Philadelphia and a few others can be greeted with several “I want to go home, I want to go ho-o-ome, this is a shithole and I want to go home” chants, while our games will Salt Lake will allow us to point out that “one wife’s more than enough”.

We’ve had too many years of the same teams, the same players and the same cities coming a calling. Now we have a whole new playbook so let’s make the most of it. Get working on new chants, new abuse and crank up the dial and see how many feathers we can ruffle whilst guiding the Whitecaps to new and greater heights than ever before.

Mon the Caps.